#31DaystoPHREAdom: The Aftermath

My soror Hydeia Broadbent and I

On October 1, I set a personal challenge to blog daily for the entire month. I can officially call this the month of trials and patience. I knew going into this challenge that there were potential factors that could prevent the completion of the mission. However, I told myself that I was going to do it. I wasn't going to allow those stipulations to get in my way. If anything I had to prove it to myself that I could write a post for 31 days straight. I saw other bloggers do it without creating a challenge so I thought this would be simple. I was so wrong. 

 

Before the challenge began, I started drafting ideas and setting them in my blog planner calendar. I knew who would be featured for this month's PHREAdom Leaders and any general blog posts. I wrote three of the seven days. I just started the challenged, and was already behind by the first week. I needed to do better. After all this challenge was about me, Crystal. 

Lambda Kappa chapter of Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority Inc.
from Winthrop University and I at the Avon Walk in Charlotte

As a result, I definitely didn’t blog daily, but I did accomplish so much more. I managed to compose eight blog posts including a very special PHREAdom Leaders feature with my friend and survivor Ashley Gonzalez. I stepped outside the box to create new content for my blog posts like the Pinterest Wedding and the short posts about teamwork and friendships. For the second time in a row, I volunteered at the Avon Walk in Charlotte where I met and interacted with some great women and families who were either supporters, survivors, or currently receiving treatment for breast cancer. The highlight of the month was having lunch with my soror, Hydeia Broadbent. She was in Columbia, S.C. for the South Carolina HIV/AIDS Conference. It was great chatting and bonding with her especially since I interviewed her for The Aurora, Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority's Inc.'s bi-yearly magazine.

I learned three valuable lessons. The first one was life will throw you curve balls, but the way you hit it will determine the result. I set out with a purpose and challenge for myself, but those curve balls went full speed. I hit some strikes, fouls, but I'm still in the game. The second lesson was to look at every situation and find the good in it. I could take being laid off in 16 days as a negative situation, however, I'm not. I see the opportunities are slowing aligning. The very last lesson is quite simple -- be realistic. I wasn't realistic about my challenge. I'm joining a new challenge that starts today with Britni Danielle called the Black Friday Challenge where I spend the next 30 days accomplishing a goal. My goal is to realistically blog more (at least once a week) and stick to it.

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Special PHREAdom Leader: Ashley Gonzalez

2003

Every 9 seconds in the U.S., a woman is assaulted or beaten as a result of domestic violence. Is it worth your time to end it?

Ashley Gonzalez says she won't let another woman suffer on her watch.

The single mother of two juggles working and attending Charleston Southern University full-time, to ensure a wonderful future for her children. Rewind almost a decade ago and you won’t recognize the former South Carolina Teen Pageant contestant as the headstrong woman she is today.

 Gonzalez is a former victim of domestic violence.

While the majority of Summerville High School’s class of 2003 graduates were preparing for college, military, or the workforce, Gonzalez was anticipating joining her fiancé in Texas. Following her 18^th birthday, the teenage lovers secretly got married that September. Gonzalez became a young military wife in a small area with no friends or family.

The teenage bliss slowly changed into a marital nightmare. The once best friends became enemies. Their playful date nights and love transcended into the violent attacks.

 “It (the abuse) was a slow start,” Gonzalez said. “It started with the name calling then shoving and from shoving to choking then the hitting.”

Gonzalez believed that her now ex- husband, did in fact love her at one time. The survivor says that they were too young and had no idea of how to be married that abuse became his way of handling their issues.

“His friend was hitting his wife,” Gonzalez said. “He (her ex-husband) thought it was okay.”

The former military wife did not have a strong support system in Texas. Her family and friends were phone calls and letters away, but she says no one was physically there.

He not only physically abused her, but things also became psychological, Gonzalez explains. He claimed to be the only person that loved her.

The former pageant contestant lost herself while in Texas. Gonzalez says she didn’t look at herself in the mirror, and stopped taking care of herself. She describes how she no longer wore makeup and only styled her hair in ponytails. She wanted to prove her love to him.

“I grew up not knowing what love was,” Gonzalez said. “I didn’t love myself. I wanted to prove my love to him.”

Months of abuse continued long before Gonzalez left Texas.

“My mom flew twice to get me,” the football mom said.

The first time was when her mother found out about the nuptials. The second time her grandmother came along, but only made it to Dallas before she changed her mind to go back to her ex-husband.

Shortly after her mother’s last attempt to bring her back to Summerville, the couple had their most gruesome fight.

“That’s the day I decided to fight back,” she said. The former beauty contestant describes how physically altered her face became after an exchange of blows broke a bone under her eye.

The Breakthrough

Ashley and I at her baby shower

In June, the former military wife discovered she was pregnant. The couple had already decided to move back to Charleston. The soon-to-be mother was planning on leaving before he left the military base. He didn’t want her to, leading to a scuffle.

“By the end of the argument, he pulled my hair and smacked my face,” she said.

On July 1, 2004, Gonzalez left Texas and moved back to South Carolina, underweight and with visible facial deformities. She was away from him, but did not officially.

“My grandmother picked me up from the airport, and she asked me why I looked different,” Gonzalez said.

She had no idea. Her eye was pushed back by 3 centimeters. The 19-year-old was two months pregnant, weighing less than 100 pounds.

Everything changed on February 7, 2005 when a precious little boy was born. Her ex-husband came to the hospital after Gonzalez delivered their son, and took him out of the maternal grandmother’s arms.

“You’ll see him more than I will,” Gonzalez recalled her ex-husband’s saying.

He was right.

A few weeks later, he went to his mother-in-law’s home where Gonzalez was residing. He snatched the newborn out of her arms and called her a bitch. That’s when the tables turned.

Gonzalez had enough.

“I told him that from that day forward I wanted nothing to do with him,” the survivor said.

The “Houdini father,” Gonzalez’s nickname for her ex-husband, last saw his son when he was two years old. For the last six years, there’s been no sight of him.

The couple divorced a few years ago. Some people were supportive, but others weren’t, she explained.

“I was looking to be loved, but in the end, I just need to love myself,” Gonzalez said. “I’m still working on accepting how I look. I don’t see the girl from my senior picture.”

The Survivor

Ashley, the survivor

Gonzalez doesn’t think of herself as a domestic violence survivor.

 “I’m just a survivor period,” the 28-year-old said.

She grew up in a single family home and faced a variety of adversities growing up. The adversities steered the direction to the woman that she is today.

“I am more determined than ever,” Gonzalez said. “I am worthy. I am loved. I can do anything. Nobody’s holding me back.”

Passionate about her Children

“My children are my everything,” she said. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them.”

Gonzalez tells her son the cautionary tale of her past and how to properly treat all women.

“I tell him often that nobody controls you, but you,” the single mother said.

Hope to Reach One and Break the Cycle

As a domestic violence survivor, Gonzalez’s goal is for her story to reach and touch somebody. She wants to break the cycle.

“I want my daughter to know her worth, and my son knows how to treat women,” the full-time student said.

Empowered through her Children

Gonzalez’s children empowered her to keep moving and pushing forward. Her son in particular is what she says rescued her from the abusive relationship. It was because of his life, she realized that she needed to leave the marriage.

Ambition to Educate

This mother instills the importance of education to her children. During a conversation with her son, she realized that she cannot ask her children to get an education while not holding herself to the same standard. This summer, Gonzalez made the courageous decision to finish school and obtain her degree in organizational management. She plans to enroll in counseling courses as well.

“I want to help other young women before something else happens,” Gonzalez said. 

Thank You for Being a Friend

“I don’t know what I’d ever do without you

From the beginning to the end

You’ve always been here right beside me

So I’ll call you my best friend

Through the good times and the bad ones

Whether I lose or if I win

I know one thing that never changes and

That’s you as my best friend...” -- Brandy’s “Best Friend”

In life, everyone has different circles of people who provide different insight and wisdom. They all fall within different relationship categories (like friends, associates, mentors, advisors, etc). Although some categories do intertwine, they all share a common goal—to exchange true support and guidance that will not only help you, but help them as well. This makes us all better individuals for all of humankind. A friend will give you the hard truth or the soft woo-woo-woo version of it. A friend will value each other’s thoughts and opinions regardless if they agree with it or not. The homies may not solely agree, but it wouldn’t destroy a true friendship.

Image courtesy of Stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Now, I’ve read that even the most successful individuals drop a friend or two on a yearly basis. If that’s the case then I’m way behind schedule. However, I do understand their purpose in doing so. Most people, especially the influential ones, mirror the direction of one’s self. For instance, Paul C. Brunson recently wrote, “You can’t spend time with someone,real impactful time, without their being an influence.” This concept really made me think about the people I spend the majority of time with or those on my weekly call log. We all may not share the same interests, but each of us brings something to the plate that is a benefit to the other.

I really try not to reflect too much on my personal life on this blog, but I was truly inspired to write about friendships from my past week. It was a long one. Tears were shed. Prayers united. In the long run, my friends came to the rescue by offering encouraging words, conversations, prayers, wardrobe consultations, warm embraces or even jump starts. My friends shared something with me this past week that made me appreciate them and our friendship even more.

What do you bring to the table as a friend? Do you offer support, prayers, laughter? When did you realize the value in your friendships?

The Return of the Black Love Movies

I can remember as a teenager, when I was introduced to Monica Wright and Quincy McCall on the movie screen. Wright was so focused on shooting jump shots and the goal of becoming the first woman to enter the NBA. She bickered with her mother. The star wore the #32 like Magic Johnson. However, there was something she loved more than basketball—Quincy McCall. The duo represented young love at its finest, but more importantly they showed young black teenagers about black love. Granted, the movie was definitely a coming of age romance, it was still great to witness it. What girl didn’t think about playing basketball with her boo for his heart? During the late 90’s to 2000’s era, black love movies were epic. They told a story and young adults were able to relate easily. I’ve noticed a fall of the black love movies within the last 10 years. When I think of black love movies, I think of Love & Basketball, Brown Sugar, The Wood, and The Best Man. However, there were some good black love movies recently, but the films were few and far in between.

Next month, the creators of The Best Man will reunite the cast for The Best Man Holiday. The synopsis, according to The Best Man Holiday’sofficial site, focus on the reunion after 15 years of college friends during the holidays who “will discover just how easy it is for long-forgotten rivalries and romances to be ignited.” I want the film to bring back the black love story or at least expand on the concept. I’m far from a relationship expert, but most individuals mimic what they see. Therefore, maybe, just maybe, it will encourage more healthy relationships. Last week, I blogged about a great love story by the way if you haven’t already checked it out, please do so.

After nearly two decades, will the black love movies return again for the new generation who are more consumed by reality television, ratchetness, and twerking? One can certainly hope so, but I digress. Black love, well love in general is a beautiful thing.

Will you be watching The Best Man Holiday? What was your favorite movie during the late 1990’s and early 2000’s?

Adventures in Couponing

 

You stood in line behind them. You watched them score hundreds of groceries or household items only to spend less than $1 on television shows. That’s right, I’m talking about couponers.

Recently, I made the decision to become more budget cautious which meant that I needed to find ways to save money. I realized that food makes up the majority of my monthly variable expenses. I’ve spent well more than $300 monthly on groceries or eating out. Yes, I know that’s quite drastic. Therefore, I knew it was time for a change. My co-worker was talking about couponing last week. I went with her to learn the concept. I purchased two Tide detergents and one Downy softener for less than $15 with my $5 off of three clipping. I think that was pretty good for a first time. Thanks Shannon!

I tried to coupon a few years ago, but I failed at the mission. The concept itself can be quite difficult and takes a lot of work to figure it out. Couponing is a numbers game. I don’t mind numbers, but we don’t always get along. The process was easy at first—cut the interesting coupons, sort by categories, and store in the notebook then look at the sales papers to determine which stores to use the coupon at that will give me the best bang for my buck. However, as the weeks rolled by, couponing became more time consuming.

My big cousins are couponing pros. They are not quite the extreme couponers, but they know how to get good deals using them. So I joined the mission again. This time I’m taking more initiative to actually learn the strategies and methods to save during my bi-weekly shopping trips. I found some great sites that provide information about couponing. My favorite is Southern Savers so far. They provide a synopsis of the clippings coming out in the upcoming Sunday’s newspaper. Thus I pulled out my coupon accordion book, purchased two newspapers and went to clipping and sorting. Happy couponing!

Have you taken any steps to save? Do you coupon? Tell me about your experience.

<3 Starkey

Pinterest Makes a Dream Come True

Pinterest truly does help make dreams and wishes a reality. Just by simply creating a themed board makes it easy for individuals to find what they need to make moments in life magical and inspirational. Highlighting those magical moments worked for Ryan Leak and his then-girlfriend Amanda Roman on June 7, 2013.

This past September, Leak posted a YouTube video called “The Surprise Wedding” where he took pieces from his girlfriend’s “My Dream Wedding” board to plan their auspicious occasion. Leak’s mission was three major things that rainy Saturday in Miami, Fla.: 1) to share his love for Roman, 2) to propose to her and 3) to marry Roman. Leak explained that he heard his girlfriend share that she would like to get engaged and married all in the same day.

Starkey's Pinterest Board

Once Leak was convinced he wanted to marry Roman, he went to the social media site for ideas and clues. Roman had no idea of anything. Despite Leak’s strategic and detailed plans of how the day was going to go, the weather interfered and rerouted the schedule of events that Saturday.

“We had all types of things planned, but plans change,” Leak said. “We are adaptable.”

Surrounded by nearly 100 close friends and family, it all came together in the end. “We know why we work. It’s not because we share the same moral values,” Leak said. “What makes us tick, what makes us go is Jesus Christ.”

They wanted their guests to also share in the presence of God.

After five years of dating, Leak confessed his love for Roman, asked her to marry him, and made her his wife in one day. Yes, it was all in one day just like Roman dreamed it’d be. We congratulate them on their union!

That’s some fairy tale story. Now who says fairy tales never happen? Ladies, you better get your Pinterest board building because you never know if your beau is secretly planning your wedding. 

Keeping It Simple: Teamwork

Don't forget about the individuals who help you get to where you want to be in life. Sometimes individuals can be so stuck on their own lives and achieves that they fail to remember how they got there. They forget about the people who stood on the sidelines throwing them different plays to help them reach their goal. Most dreams are not possible without the help of others.

<3 Starkey

Falling in Love is Easy, Staying in Love is a Challenge

Photo Credit: http://www.inc.com/michael-gerber/fall-in-love-with-your-business-again.html

Do you remember the first time you met your first love? Do you remember how it made you feel? You get those butterflies in your stomach when your eyes meet. Those moments were endless.

I remember when I first met mine. I was in the fourth grade at Givhans Elementary School. My teacher, Mrs. Burgess said, “Crystal, you’re a great writer. Would you like to join the newsletter staff?”

I agreed. I was a staff writer of my first publication. It was only four pages, but I loved it. I was a reporter. I wrote about events and interviewed teachers. I was in love with writing, and I felt like it shared the same type of love in return.

I always knew it was going to be a part of my life in some way shape or form. However, as I got older, I had to realize that although my love for writing was great and we shared many wonderful memories together, I needed to focus on some other ventures. After spending years after college working different jobs, I found myself back where I started like a teenage girl seeing her crush for the first time. My writing and I developed into a deeper relationship. Not only was I writing articles, but I was writing press releases and blogging. I was PHREA. My writing understood me even when nobody else did. Just when I think I had it all figured out, the biggest curve ball got thrown and hit me hard. It has changed my entire focus.

Photo Credit: www.goodreads.com

Now I feel like I’m back in the same position where I was after graduation, changing focus because of the roles and responsibilities of a grown up. I can feel myself losing my relationship again, but I don’t want to. However, the times I should be spending writing, researching, or planning, I am job searching or updating my resume.

So as a way to continue to write and stay in love with my purpose, I decided to balance my focus on writing and job searching. I created a personal challenge to keep me on track to my purpose, my passion, and my love for writing. It’s called the #31DaystoPHREAdom on Always PHREA. It will still include the PHREAdom Leaders, but I also want to feature information that relates closely to my audience.

I need your help in order to accomplish the challenge. I want to hear from you. Have you found your purpose? What do you do to stay focused on it when life throws you adversities?

<3 Starkey